Main Event
Parallel Championship
Desks, Lifts (Hydraulic), Stools Match
Lachlan Kane/KERBEROS vs. Chase Andrews/Tommy Gunn vs. Amelia Winston/Kyle Williams
Naida West: Folks, it’s been a HELL of a ride up to this point, but the action isn’t done just yet! We’ve got one more to go and it’s a big one, the one that you’ve all been waiting for! Three tag teams, the first ever DLS match, and the right to call yourselves INAUGURAL Parallel Champions!
Hannibal Buress: We’ve seen classic battles between Reynolds and Lee, Axis and CruZe, and TWO successful title defenses between those two matches, but now we’re guaranteed a new set of champs!Naida West: This arena is losing their minds! It’s been enough talk! It’s time for the…
Hannibal Buress: Final match?
Naida West: Yes.
DING DING DING!
Dunklin Frewbly: The following is a Desks, Lifts, and Stools match for the PARAELLLLLLLEL CHAAAAAAMPIONSHIP! In this contest, the first to retrieve the belts hanging over the ring will be declared the winner!
The drums of the Seminole War Chant kick in, and as Tommy Gunn emerges from behind the curtain, the sounds of the Tomahawk Chop can be heard through the loudspeakers. He engages in one round of the Chop, before he signals for the music to cut, right as the opening strains of “Hero” by Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott kicks into full gear. Tommy high fives his way down the ramp to ringside, where he starts up another round of Tomahawk Chops, smiling from ear to ear. He climbs into the ring, begins stretching, and waits for the bell.
Naida West: Chemistry is a big advantage and two people with chemistry in bundles are this man and his partner. Speaking of which-
The lights go out, and after a few tense moments, the letters "NEXT GEN" flash across the big ramp screen, announcing the arrival of Chase Andrews. She emerges from behind the curtain as "Diary of Jane" begins in earnest. She is keeping a slightly serious face, even though it's obvious she loves the attention she is receiving. She strides down to ringside with a trained model walk, allowing everyone to glimpse at the perceived perfection heading their way. She reaches out and slaps hands with those who reach out to her, betraying her supermodel façade in this respect. She climbs the ring steps, wipes her feet on the apron out of respect, and climbs through the ropes, giving everyone at ringside a delightful view of her lithe form. Once in the ring and the music starts to die down, she bounces in place like a boxer, occasionally throwing a punch or two as a warmup while Tommy approaches her with an encouraging slap on the shoulder and gametime nod.
Hannibal Buress: This is a big time opportunity for maybe the first true tag team in Wrestleverse. You know they came ready for this and that’s only going to add to the challenge for opposing corners.The lights get dark as two green spotlights begin to travel over the crowd, a loading bar appears on screen as Helix Nebula by Anamanaguchi starts. Once the into is over, the music kicks in and the loading bar is full, Kyle walks out to the top of the ramp with his jacket on and hood up. He looks over the crowd and smirks to himself then makes his way down the ramp, his eyes squarely focused on the ring itself. He effortlessly slides under the bottom rope and picks himself up, making his way to the corner and stretching out his arms and legs, readying himself for the coming battle and eyeing Gunn and Andrews.
Naida West: This man has gone through Hell and back in terms of just getting your ass whipped in a wrestling ring under the Wrestleverse banner and through unusual circumstance, finds himself competing for tag gold!The lights dim as the whine of a guitar, soon accompanied by rolling drumming until a crescendo and a halt. Two big pops of pyro blast off on either side of the stage and then the song kicks back in as Amelia Winston bursts out through the entrance and into a spotlight in her black and yellow wrestling attire, the crowd roaring in approval, ‘Wildheart’ roaring right back. She cuts back and forth across the stage at the top of the ramp, high fiving and fist bumping fans in the front row before starting down to the ring as the lyrics begin, the spotlight following her.
The future’s under fire
The past is gaining ground
A continuous cold war between
My home and my hometown
She continues to give fives and bumps on her way down, clearly feeding off the excitement of the crowd, firing herself up as they fire her up.
I was destined to die dreaming
When one day, my best friend
With passion and pure provocation
Summoned me and said
She pauses at the base of the ramp, staring into the ring, bouncing a little on the balls of her feet as though the excitement and adrenaline are too much for her to simply stand still.
“You can’t condemn your love
To linger here and die
Can’t leave your dreams to chance
Or to a spirit in the sky
May your heart always be ardent
Your conscience always clear
And succumb to the city and surrender, baby
I’ll be waiting here”
She breaks into a sprint, running the last ten feet or so to the ring before leaping to the apron, singing along with the chorus as she leans back against the ropes, both arms draped over the top, a few fans who know the words singing along with her.
And it got me all fired up
To go far away
And make some ears ring from the sound of my singing, baby
(Oh oh, oh oh)
And it got me all fired up
To go far away
And make some ears ring from the sound of my singing, baby
(Oh oh, oh oh)
So I left my home
And all I had
I used to be good but now I’m bad
Amelia backflips over the top rope into the ring, doing a quick spin before coming to a stop, staring down her opponents with a grin as the song fades out and the lights come back up, ready for the fight. She turns the grin towards Kyle who appears a bit uneasy in the presence of his partner.
Hannibal Buress: Williams being forced to face his own personal trauma here in a way and he’ll have to embrace the situation if he hopes to come out of Chicago a winner.
As the lights in the arena cut to black, the speakers come to life with the sound of "Demon" by Savage Hands. The lights begin to flash in an array of white and red as smoke fills the entrance stage. Strolling out to an overwhelming chorus of cheers, Lachlan Kane smiles out at the crowd and throws a couple of phantom punches before making his way down the ramp, slapping hands with the fans along the way. He runs up the steel steps and bounces against the ropes on the outside of the ring on the apron's edge before stepping through the ropes into the center of the ring. He grins again before throwing his hands up to the deafening roar of the crowd. As his music fades away, he takes off his jacket and hands it off to the ring announcer and throws a few more punches to ready himself, his eyes and head tucked and lowered with gaze transfixed on the four around him.
Naida West: Wolfslair is a big part of this match tonight, the mutually recognized threat among three of the competitors in the Eternal Championship match. They’re a real threat in this.
"YOUR FAILURES ARE NOT MINE TO HOLD"
The grueling opening of Aviira's Glasshouse blares across the coliseum as the lights dim down to a low crimson color. Almost instantaneously, the crowd livens up the inside of the arena with a chorus of boos and jeers. From underneath the curtain walks KERBEROS. He stands at the top of the ramp, gazing out amongst the crowd as a sneer appears upon his expression. He walks down the ramp, ignoring his surroundings. At the apron, he grabs the top rope and pulls himself upwards onto it, swinging his leg with vehemence and stepping inside. As he walks over to the ropes, he climbs to stand on the middle one, sneering at the crowd as they boo in his direction, before hopping backwards as his music fades.
Hannibal Buress: Big main event after big main event and in terms of the scale of what we’ve got going on tonight, this could be the biggest in Wrestleverse to date.
He’s not wrong either. Looking around ringside, we see every form of stool and desk you can think of. Wooden stools, metal ones, padded bar stools. Surrounding ringside are all forms of desk as well ranging from those school desks with the loud metal hinges and wooden lids, big office desks, circular ones with a hole in the middle, and a couple of podiums. I think those count? For lifts, three large hydraulic lifts and one crane complete with licensed operators are stationed on each side of the ring. Suspending the tag title belts over the ring are two overlapping cables with the gold hanging at their exact point of their union in the center. The camera pans out with an extended glimpse of the massive crowd before a steady zoom back to the competitors, each one eager to tear the other's heads off.
DING DING DING!!
As soon as the first ding, it’s just basically fucking chaos as nobody waits. Amelia and Lach go at it, KERBEROS and Tommy come to blows, and Kyle and Chase trade stiff forearm shots.
Naida West: Coming out hot here!
Hannibal Buress: It’s realizing the moment is what it is.
All six competitors become wobbled from an extended and seemingly neverending back and forth of respective strikes before shaking the cobwebs. They all spin side to side frantically and several roll out of the ring and rush for equalizers. Kane and Tommy both round a corner and grab hold of a wooden stool at the same time while Chase runs for another at the same time as the team of Winston and Williams who find themselves in a paranoid standoff with The Machine.
Naida West: AIR KERBEROS!
The crowd pops big time as the man with the caps lock name dives head first through the ropes and crashes into all three of Chase, Amelia, and Kyle and the four go down on the outside.
Hannibal Buress: Like a damn freight train!
Naida West: Tommy and Lachlan in a struggle, real test of feat trying to gain control of the weapon and neither man seems to be letting up!
With feet dug into the padding below them in an attempt to come out a victor in the tug o’ war, both men go near red in the face looking for that upperhand.
Hannibal Buress: Kane pushes forward! Top of that stool connects with the midsection.
Naida West: Sometimes, you find defense and offense can go hand in hand. Smart reversal there.
KERBEROS rises to his feet, smiling a devilishly happy smile as he reaches the other side of the ring near an out of breath Lachlan Kane, the two share a somewhat awkward fist bump and Kane motions that “the floor is all yours” towards his partner overlooking Tommy who clutches at his sides. Tommy pushes up onto a knee and KERBEROS lays into him with flailing rights and lefts like a dog promised jerky for the task.
Hannibal Buress: Going in!
Kane retrieves the stool and rounds the corner, letting it hang loosely at his side.
Naida West: Andrews up!
Hannibal Buress: GODDAMN! STOOL DART!
Kane is sent crumbling as Chase Andrews launches another wooden stool straight at Lachlan’s head like a fucking javelin.
Naida West: That hurt to watch!
Andrews rejoices as she turns around towards a waiting Amelia Winston who grabs her by the hair and shoulders and launches her forward into one of the podiums.
Hannibal Buress: Podium toppled! That looks like it hurt!
Andrews spins back into her and gets hooked under the arm and lifted up vertical. She puckers her lips and blows a kiss to the hard cam with her free hand before falling back.
Naida West: SUPLEX THROUGH THE PODIUM!
Hannibal Buress: You can literally hear it crunch!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Naida West: Understatement of the century!
Amelia fires herself up while the crowd goes nuts. She heads back to KERBEROS, but is met with a hard spinning forearm shot that sends her back to the mat as well. Before he can celebrate, it’s Kyle Williams who is to his feet and trying to hack away at Wolfslair’s hardest hitter with some rear strikes of his own.
Hannibal Buress: Counter elbows from KERBEROS, not a spot you want to be in if you’re Kyle Williams.
Naida West: He’s playing HIS game and that’s something that rarely ends well!
KERBEROS grabs hold of Kyle’s waist and rams him toward the apron, causing an audible and visible tensing up. He maintains the hold and hoists him up onto the circular desk. With a quick boost from the right hand, KERBEROS keeps the offense up and hammers at the forehead with some closed right fists that cause an already well beaten Kyle Williams to sag with the middle of his body drooped down through the hole in the desk’s center.
Hannibal Buress: Kane is back to his feet. I’m not sure he has any idea where he is after that stool to the head, but he’s headed for that hydraulic lift behind Williams and KERBEROS!
Lachlan Kane, clearly concussed, climbs aboard the lift and slaps the railing which prompts an operator to send him towards the ceiling. He gives a quick glance towards the cable in arms reach, but instead crosses his chest and says a prayer, but Irish. We get an “I’m fucking insane” taunt from Kane who stands on the rail of the lift, overlooking the table and leaps off feet first.
Naida West: LOOK OUT!
Hannibal Buress: LACH DOWN!
The crowd is both explosive and in absolute shock, having just witnessed Kane leaping some ungodly height and dropping with both feet driving Kyle Williams down through the hole in the desk and to the mat below.
Naida West: We’re gonna need the replay on that one!
The crowd goes nuts as Kane leaps from the top of the hydraulic lift and collides feet first with Kyle Williams’ midsection. Back in the actual present, KERBEROS looks on in disbelief as well, flipping the table over and trying to hoist up Lachlan Kane and get him back to his feet only to be left feeling frustrated as Kane slips from his grasp and falls back down near a currently KO’d Kyle Williams.
Hannibal Buress: There’s no way this can go much longer, but somebody has to get up there and retrieve those belts!
Behind KERBEROS, it’s Amelia who is back to her feet. She leaps up and wraps both ankles around his neck and drives him head first into the mats with an inverted hurricanrana.
Naida West: Nonstop action tonight! Winston is back in this now!
Hannibal Buress: Winston turning around now, but it’s Tommy Gunn with a big leaping knee right on the dot!
Winston’s knees turn Jell-O for a bit and Gunn rolls her back into the ring. While Amelia rolls around and tries to recollect herself, Gunn secures one of the school desks and fucking launches that shit over the top rope into the ring. He rushes back in and stomps away at Winston to keep control in his hands.
Naida West: Gunn has Winston up, desk lid up as well. Winston laids gut first across the middle like sandwich filling now!
Hannibal Buress: You have a way with words sometimes.
Gunn takes to the top rope with Winston still a bit out of it, he shrugs a wise ass shrug and turns his back to her before taking flight.
Naida West: MOONSAULT ON THE DESK LID! BOTH COMPETITORS GO CRASHING!
Crowd: THIS IS AWESOME! *CLAP MELODY* THIS IS AWESOME! *THE SAME CLAPPED MELODY*
Hannibal Buress: I’m not sure who that hurt worse just now!
The desk and both competitors fall over and onto their sides just as KERBEROS slides back into the ring. He cringes at the sight, but has no time to think much on reaction as Chase Andrews launches a stolen announcer chair and throws it up into the ring as well.
Hannibal Buress: Guess I gotta stand for the rest of the show now. I guess I’m just one of those guys who stands now.
KERBEROS smacks both handers against the canvas and waits for Chase Andrews to roll into the ring. The two step face to face and Andrews delivers a stiff chop across the chest which is met by a KERBEROS elbow to the temple. Then it goes back, then it goes forth, then it goes back and forth, and it goes back and it goes forth and with a knee to the gut, Andrews folds KERBEROS in half and stands the chair up. Tommy Gunn lunges for the ropes and gets to his feet before a mad dash and rear lariat to KERBEROS. Andrews stands the chair up and plops KERBEROS down in it like he’s going for a haircut. The crowd cheers as Tommy throws a pointer finger to the sky and waves it around at helicopter speed.
Naida West: KERBEROS going for a ride!
The chair is spun once, twice, thrice, the four times word, five times, six times. The count gets pretty lost in translation, honestly. As it spins, Gunn and Andrews take turns on opposing sides, laying into KERBEROS with strikes from foot, fist, and elbow.
Hannibal Buress: KERBEROS getting battered. I wouldn’t judge him for vomit right now.
They bring the chair to a sudden stop and Gunn throws a roundhouse kick, but KERBEROS falls sideways out of the chair as the kick connects.
Naida West: GUNN TAKES OUT HIS OWN PARTNER WITH THAT ONE!
Gunn’s head meet his palms, knowing that he fucked up.
Hannibal Buress: KANE IN THE RING! DROPKICK OUT OF NOWHERE TAKES OUT GUNN!
Lachlan Kane having gone from one planet to another, because DP (Danny Powers, not the sex thing, ya nasties) doesn’t give a fuck about head trauma, steps through the ropes and glances back towards the cable above the ring. He instead opts for his same lift and begins to now climb himself up the middle of the lift, throwing all caution right to the goddamn wind.
Naida West: Kane getting up there, but Gunn right after him as well!
Hannibal Buress: Winston is back up! Winston climbing the turnbuckle! She’s scaling the cables now, trying to go for those titles!
The crowd continues to mark out for the whole frickin’ everything as Kane and Gunn reach the top of the lift together and trade sloppy ass blows that make it look like they were trained by Scuffed God instead of coming from actual solid wrestling backgrounds.
Naida West: Winston making her way across like monkey bars, but KERBEROS is back up! KERBEROS is pulling at the ankles, doing everything he can to shake Winston loose!
Caps lock daddy manages to shake Winston lose and the two come to blows while a absolutely fuckered up Kyle Williams claws and crawls his way into the ring.
Hannibal Buress: What is Winston doing?!
Naida West: SHINING WIZARD OFF THE BACK OF KYLE WILLIAMS AND KERBEROS GOES DOWN!
Crowd: HOLY FUCK! HOLY FUCK! HOLY FUCK! HOLY FUCK!
Hannibal Buress: Gunn has Kane on his shoulders on the lift LOOK OUT!
Naida West: MICHINOKU DRIVER OFF THE LIFT AND BOTH MEN CRASH AND BURN ONTO A SECOND LIFT!
Hannibal Buress: TELL MATCH WRITER MAN HE MIGHT AS WELL CAPS LOCK MY NAME TOO BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M WITNESSING!
Naida West: Andrews back up!
Hannibal Buress: Big roundhouse kick takes out Amelia Winston!
Chase Andrews practically falls out of the ropes and scurries around under the ring apron in desperate search for something other than the insane shit already here for some reason.
Hannibal Buress: IS THAT A FUCKING HAND SAW!?
Naida West: CHASE ANDREWS IS ABOUT TO SEVER SOME LIMBS!
CA rolls back into the ring and stalks a totally loopy Kyle Williams who stands only on his knees and gives her the ol’ “COME ON!” taunt. She rears back and whips the edge of the saw across Kyle’s chest, much to the crowd’s disgust.
Hannibal Buress: DEAR GOD!
He grits his teeth and shakes his head like a fucking maniac as she lays into him again..and again while the saw blade slams into his pecs.
Hannibal Buress: He’s Hulkin’ up, but without the racism!
Naida West: Another shot, but Kyle back at her with an elbow AND ANOTHER!
Hannibal Buress: Spinning backfist from Kyle Williams drops Next Gen!
Kyle retrieves the saw and waves it around in the air like Amish Leatherface. He probs the school desk back up and after a few more swings of the saw, begins to hack into the lid.
Naida West: No idea where this is going, maybe Williams has just had the brain cells beaten out of his skull tonight and is just acting on hollow instinct.
Hannibal Buress: That or maybe he has a plan after all.
Once the desk lid is thoroughly split into pieces and carved up, Kyle lifts what’s left of the lid up and produces handfuls of the result of his handiwork.
Naida West: SAWDUST! NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH STARDUST!
Hannibal Buress: Hey, man. I don’t see you solving racism.
He pulls up two handfuls of the dust and puts one hand over the open palm of a risen Amelia. The two wait for Chase Andrews to rise back to her feet and look at each other and yell back like a couple of crazy bastards and launch the dust forward.
Naida West: DUST IN THE EYES OF CHASE ANDREWS! ANDREWS GOES DOWN AND OUT OF THE RING!
Hannibal Buress: FALL OF ICARUS! KYLE WILLIAMS DROPPED BY KERBEROS!
Naida West: FLASH SMASH TO KERBEROS AND HE GOES DOWN!
Hannibal Buress: Winston is alone in the ring right now! She has to take advantage! This is it!
Winston rolls out of the ring, one eye on Andrews being tended to by ringside crew. She screams towards the ring and slaps the side of the crane, prompting Kyle to drag his dead ass out to join her. He does so and just passes out after falling off the apron. Williams drags him by the arm and shouts for the crane to be lowered.
Naida West: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING?!
The crane is lowered, but not fast enough for her liking. Amelia manages to somehow hook Williams unconscious ass up to the crane rig. She steps up into the driver’s seat and shoves past the operator. With the lifting of the joystick looking ass apparatus, a TKO’d Kyle Williams is hoisted up into the air and over the ring.
Hannibal Buress: Chase Andrews is back! Chase Andrews on the crane as well!
Naida West: Rights and lefts! Lefts and rights! Something's got to give!
Hannibal Buress: LOOK OUT!
Both announcers jump out of the way as Andrews and Winston both crash and burn through the announce table. The crowd falls silent, but only momentarily as Kyle Williams starts to stir, nearly immobilized by his current setting as the birds circle his head. He reaches out towards the belts in a stupor and gives them a good tug as Hannibal and Naida lose their minds.
DING DING DING!!
Naida West: WILLIAMS HAS DONE IT! I DON’T KNOW, BUT HE’S DONE IT!
Hannibal Buress: THIS ONE IS OVER! PARALLEL CHAMPIONS HAVE BEEN CROWNED!
Dunklin Frewbly: (from the timekeeper’s area, cause he’s smart enough to not get in the middle of all that carnage) The winners of this match and NEWWWWWWWWWWWW Parallel Champions..KYLE WILLLLIAMS AND AMELIA WINNNNNSTON!Naida West: THERE ARE BODIES EVERYWHERE! BODIES OF PEOPLE WHO JUST VENTURED TO HELL AND BACK AND WE HAVE PARALLEL CHAMPS!
Fireworks blast off from the top of Soldier Field as the operator climbs back up and lowers Williams to the middle of the ring. Staff fill the area, checking on the six superstars. Williams is propped up his half of the titles as is Amelia in the mess of broken table. Confetti covers the area like snow as the crowd reaches a fever pitch.
Hannibal Buress: We thank you all for joining us tonight! What is the fallout to this even going to look like?!
Naida West: We’ll visit that in TWO WEEKS! This…this is…I’m at a loss for words! Thank you..and goodnight..
